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editor’s note: this review is for Cream of the Crop 4, 8 and 12.

My DVD player is on my computer. Wash your hands after you touch my keyboard.

To tell the truth, when Clyde assigned these movies to me, I was pretty excited. I’m down with creampies.

Some men say that it’s all pink in the dark. If that’s true, then for God’s sake turn the motherfucking lights off before filming starts on the next Cream of the Crop movie. There was not a single woman I’d touch with YOUR dick, much less mine, in all three of these films.

This is crazy, real sex with ugly people. I guess if I was in a different mood, these would have been just what the doctor ordered. But every time I had to see one of these Skank’s faces or ground-beef-in-saran wrap-legs, my hard-on turned into a hard-off.

The cream pies were good though, so I can’t complain TOO much I guess.

And you cannot know my relief when, in episode 8, the box text turns out to be false. The back cover of this movie advertises a “he/she” “she-male”, and instead delivers a 6-foot something woman who just has a mannish face. So that’s another good thing about these movies.

If you’re down with nut butter being put in any available hole, even the ugly vajagged ones, this movie is for you.

Unfortunately, bags aren’t my bag, man, and I my journalistic integrity would be severely compromised if I gave any of these more than 2 rancho stars.

But I feel justified in giving all three movies 4 sperm week stars. This is, after all, a spermy stack of smut.

SQUIRTING 101 3
Then she punches the guy in the balls, like wails on him. Crazy. Then she squirts a bucket of girl-goo, about an hour later. ...

HIP HOP DIVAS 3
Black girls, strap ons, lots of dildos and a whole lot of pussy eating is what your hard earned money will be paying ...

FIRST CLASS EUROSLUTS 3
(or sack i should say!) Check out Claudia Claires' bruised ass cheeks in the first scene, and a great attempt at a squirt by Eva ...

CLEOPATRA 2
On the other hand, it's got some amazing lookin' Euro-tramps, including Laura Angel and Sandra Russo, and tons of orgy scenes. And ass-fucking scenes. And ...

BIG BUTT ROAD TRIP 3
Silvia and the awesomely assy Flavia are pretty boner inducing, too. As with any shot-in-Brazil flick, you gotta squint a little when the ugly ...