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Hmm. You know what’s great about porn? I’ll tell you. All the stupid random tattoos that pornstars have. Sure, you’d like to believe that they’re superhuman plastic sex robots. But they aren’t. They spent their formative years getting drunk and getting crappy tattoos. Just thought I’d share that.

And yupe, Double Cross by Vivid does contain some pornstars sporting tattoos. Unfortunately I wasn’t wild about any of the girls in this flick. Taylor Hayes is too old, too 1980s and too much of a Cindy Crawford wannabe.

Sorry honey. And the other whores in Double Cross aren’t much in the eye candy department either. To me Double Cross was almost like a Vivid B side. The story…nevermind. Something to do with blackmail. If it was worth telling about I’d tell about it.

At least Mr. Marcus is in this movie. He’s always entertaining. In scene one he gets all dirty on Taylor after she processes his dick through her slimey blowjob machine. Mr. M churns around, pops his shit and then heaves a lot of heavy dialogue around in a great talking sequence that will have you rolling. “My parents are Catholic. They at the right side of the Pope,” Marcus says. “That’s conservative,” Taylor says. Arrrg! Next up Bobby Vitale humps two blonde girls. I tried to figure out their names but never did. One’s pretty swelchie. The other’s just average. There’s lots of ass-grappling and stretch marks. No young ‘uns here. And that’s the problem. All these ladies are seasoned pros, left in the oven until well-done. Fresh meat, fresh meat! That’s what we here at the Ranch want. After fucking average girl in the pooper until juice rolls from her banged up shit, Bobby fucks the swelchie girl for all she’s worth. She makes noises like a 14 year old at an Usher concert. She probably even has an orgasm or two. It’s one of Double Cross’s high points.

Then Taylor and a blonde with a saggy ass poke around in each other’s crevices. Lots of good frigging and fingers in asses – with hotter chicks this scene would’ve been A+. A strap-on is used but only for about 2 seconds. The last sex scene is a double feature with Cheyenne fucking another bad-banged blonde and Taylor rubbing her hoary hole around on a balding guy. It’s nothing exceptional.

Just average.

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