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Somewhere, lodged deep the depths of this movie, Trent Morgan (a porn producing czar) quips, “[Porn]’s about these stupid sets, overdone lighting, heavy make-up and these professionals fucking because they’re paid to fuck. It’s not a turn-on.” Well said, Trent. That pretty much sums up the movie for you right there. Fade to Black, which somehow won 8 awards including Best Film at the AVNs, follows the rise to, uh, porn glory of three friends who operate a small-time adult movie production business.

Dale DeBone plays the raging-bull Director, ultra faggy Voodoo gets to be the blue-ballin’ camera-man and Tulip, Taylor Hayes, is their porn-queen ticket to fame. They travel from “Oklahoma City” (AKA some deserted desert area outside of Hollywood) to see Trent Morgan. Will they get famous or will they all get fucked in the ass as the sodomizing Giant of the Vicious Industry rolls over them? Heh-heh, what do you think?

So, wow, it’s a movie about the production of porn! As Taylor bones a chumpy stump at the trailer in Oklahoma, Dale and Voodoo are there, filming. The whole time Dale is spouting directorial nonsense like, “Yeah, yeah, that’s great, now look at the camera!” Sure, there’s a lot of decent fucking to be seen on the couch as cack meets slopping love hole, but the scene kept cutting to Dale and Voodoo pretending to be furiously and seriously at work producing their masterpiece. You know, I like my porn like I like my meat. I don’t want to see the cow. I want to see a lump of hamburger wrapped in plastic. I don’t want to see the fish. I want to see a scaleless, headless, gutless cut of meat. See? I don’t want to think about how my porn is made. I want the fantasy, not the whole cow.

Anyhow, it’s off to Hollywood, where the gang witnesses a shitty porn shoot involving “Egyptians” Jason McCain, Julie Meadows (Jet) and some other blonde slag whore who’s only talent lies in making things disappear into her asshole. Julie also produces a floppy dildo which see sticks in her ass. Don’t be beguiled by the multiple angles here. It’s just average porno. Moving along. As soon as Trent Morgan shows up, you wish he would go away. He talks about “The art…” of things a lot. The plot becomes lengthy, bloated and not unlike a maggot the size of California. Next Joey Ray bends Taylor over a funny heaving hot dog counter for her audition. Taylor’s a natural pornstar. Which is to say she’s completely unnatural. She looks a little like Cindy Crawford with ten pound waterbags attached to her chest.

Probably the best scene happens between Dale, Taylor Hayes and Taylor St. Claire (Clash of the Taylors!). Dale vigorously pumps St. Claire’s clean ass-crevass and plunders both the ladies with abandon. Then Trent Morgan talks some more. Fast forward. He doesn’t say anything. It’s more “ground-breaking” garbage. This revolting dialogue is probably what scored Fade to Black the Best Film award. Who knows. Things are turning diabolical quickly as Voodoo sinks his queer meat into St. Claire on a weight-lifting machine. And…cut back to Morgan babbling just to make sure your boner is good and ruined. As the sinister (!) plot croaks along, Julie Meadows goes oral, vaginal and anal under Dale’s Danzig-attack while Taylor Hayes masturbates on a leather couch and eventually fucks weaselly Tony Tedeschi. Finally Trent gets shot, but doesn’t die (DAMN!) and there’s kind of an added on bonus scene of a threesome that involves a strap-on and some road-kill vaginas. I didn’t recognize these stars…Rikki Lixx and Merissa, I think, it doesn’t really matter.

In the end, above average acting isn’t worth a damn when the plot’s a sunbaked piece of shit. The fucking’s OK, but the rest of it’s a bore fest. Another example of what happens when porn tries to be smart…

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