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It doesn’t get any more hardcore than this. Girlvert opens with Keegan Skky sitting bowlegged on a couch, wearing a strap-on, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. Keegan, who you will grow to hate for being dumb and love for being nasty during the course of this meal, is a host of sorts for the fucking that three street hookers get during this flick. With blue hair and fishnet she looks like Tank Girl. She says things like “I’m going to fuck you up, you fucking whore.

” Who knows where her angry comes from. Maybe it’s the crack.

The three girls that take the guttercoaster to the bottom of Girlvert really, really earn their money the hard way. Working at Hotdog on a Stick at the mall would be better. These girls ARE hotdogs on sticks. Scene one finds a brunette eating a chili dog. When Keegan invites her back to her house, she and two mean guys fuck the unlucky visitor until she’s a gasping, quivering gooey-faced sack of shit. How much of this is consensual is anyone’s guess and we can only assume JM has a whole pile of smut lawyers. No doubt these girls are told they’re going to get fucked – just not fucked in the ass by two burly dicks and the strap-on that confused little Keegan is always sporting. Another of Keegan’s favorite devices is a buttplug/inflatable balloon thing that she works into each girls’ ass and then pumps, counting each pump. The first girl makes it to like 10 before she twists around and angerily says, “No way! I’m going to need to shit!” These are golden moments. Keegan spits in the girls faces. There’s face-fucking and DP. These are dead, dead girls.

Alice, whore #2, can barely talk and survives 14 pumps of the butt bulb of death. About now my appetite was ruined for the next 24 hours. Keegan face-fucks Alice with the strap-on until tears are running down her poor face, and then she moves around to fuck her in the ass. A guy helps out with the DP. The third scene finds Sin-Nye, a pudgy-faced Asian, in the same trouble the other girls faced: the butt bulb. 18 pumps ain’t bad. It dawned on me: these people don’t care if they die. There’s Keegan, sucking dick that’s been in ass and vag and everybody’s spitting and everyone is doing to die. Sin-Nye gets her pooper humped. She undoubtably stopped at the Rite-Aid on the way home for some Depends. Lastly, Keegan gets laid by a chump with a large schlong. Frankly, Keegan doesn’t even do as well as the whores she criticizes all the way through the movie. She chokes on dick when it’s just a inch into her mouth.

So, you think YOUR self-esteem is low. Wrong. Rent Girlvert to see some folks who’ve got it way worse than you. It kind of made me sick, but as far as hardhardhardcore goes, it was pretty good.

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