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Well, it’s softcore, what did you expect me to give it?

Ever seen a Playboy video? Right. Those Playboy videos were the reason you started watching hardcore. Get ready for major disappointment when you watch Jenna Jameson Revealed by Vivid. If I’d have stumbled on this title in Junior High, my head would’ve exploded but nowadays I’ve got to see XXX action or the man downstairs doesn’t notice at all. The only good use for this movie would be to pat your 12 year-old son on the shoulder, hand him a non-alcoholic beer, put this DVD in and introduce him to the world of lesbo porn.

So, what does Jenna Jameson reveal in Revealed? Absolutely nothing. Yeah, yeah, it’s softcore, but who fucking watches softcore anyway? On this disc you’ll find Jenna and her plastic titties writhing, gyrating and undulating on a variety of beds. She’s looked better. The scenes don’t really go any where and you’re lucky to see any beaver at all. Expect lots of cutesy lip pursing and slow-mo hair flipping. Tit-licking is as hardcore as it gets. There are a ton of scenes on Revealed; I counted a dozen. But half of those are Jenna flopping around like a fish on a river bank and the other half are lame twosomes between Sydnee Moon and Janine or Dyanna Lauren and Paulina, for example (typical porn faces that I have trouble identifying). The most frustrating scene of all is one involving all of the girls – Kira, Chasey Lain, Nikki Tyler, etc. – in a daisy chain. This scene is literally five seconds long. Five seconds, I’m not shitting you. That’s rather bothersome especially since some of the starletts in this five second scene get pretty high billing on the box but don’t seem to appear elsewhere in the movie. And where the hell was Cassidey? Her name on the box encouraged me to give this flick a fighting chance. I missed her entirely. Maybe if I watched the daisy chain in slow motion…

If you haven’t fallen asleep by the time the feature’s over, there are a roughly another dozen softcore scenes from various movies guaranteed to bore you to tears. You won’t even want to jerk off after this stuff – you’ll want to kill yourself. No, that’s a bit harsh because there’s one scene in the “Brunettes” bonus section of a dirty schoolgirl that’s pretty decent. On the whole DVD she’s the only one who had the teasin’ down.

Combine zero action with one of the worst navigation systems I’ve seen so far on a DVD (the movie is broken up into 3 chapters and you can’t just play it all the way through), for a pretty bad porno experience. If you still wait at the mailbox for the Victoria’s Secret before your mom can nab it, then this is the movie for you. Jenna fans might want to check it out, but don’t get too worked up in anticipation. This one gets a 2…and I’m being nice.

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