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Wasn’t it Groucho Marx that said: “I would never join any club, that would have me as a member?”. He sure was so kooky-looking, esp. next to handsome Zeppo and conniving Chico, so no wonder Harpo never said shit. He was the smart one. As with any of the Harmony vids you don’t have any of those naked, flabby, middle-aged men, like the kind that your use to seeing at an Austro-Hungarian restaurant, wearing a waiter’s jacket, a draped napkin, and serving dinner rolls, with a pair of tongs, groaning in German saying: “Ach, Geil Schwanze! Oh yah! Yah.

..” in a relentless, steady stream, like an auctioneer in a drunken stupor, but you know, naked. On the other hand, there are also no surprise scenes that involve an elderly lady, in a wig, her bloated body strapped together by a black bra, garters, and hose getting pissed on, while fucked by many much younger men.

In fact, Evil Empire’s Harmony line Sex Club is more like a cross between PT Barnum and Plato’s Retreat for the ultrafit Euro set; a series of vignettes with the kind of depraved acts, only a sex addict could think of, not a Marx Brother. Well, except Harpo…

The first scene called Missbehaviour was bizarre kinda sideshow-esque with a tophatted guy with a heavy British accent, announces this stripper with big round torpedo tatas armed with tasseled pasties. I can live with a little pre-show until the guy whips out his dick and starts stroking. I’m thinking this is good, until I get to see his dick closer in and I see that he has pierced his urethra with a kind of nubbed stud. If he were sticking it in her, I might be able to forget it, but instead, I’m revolted by his blatant stroking of it. Nobody cums, I go.

The second scene called The Sick Room is also a bizzarro scenario, but I liked it better. The director, Tanya Hyde, is lying on a gyno table having strange things done to her pussy. There are some stirrups and dildos applied with latex gloves and it gets kinda squirrelly, esp. if a visit to the gynecologist doesn’t exactly invoke warm fuzzies. The Brits sure are strange, but the girls still look awesome.

Good thing the same girls stick around for the Torture Room, which is more BDSM, and like Swedish Penis enlargers, not my bag, baby. There’s a guy in a room with a small window for his face, a Tanya and the nurse don officer caps and start servicing his cock through a little door. Of course, blowjobs are great to watch so I’m good for now, until people are strapped to crosses that spin and made to have sex. Hmm, I’m beginning to not enjoy this, maybe it’s just me, but getting strapped down just sucks, and not in the good way.

The best scene so far is next where Poppy Morgan and another girl, Donna, who is dressed in a nun’s habit and they do a scene with a big hung black guy and a couple of white guys. I like this mini-gangbang, and there is some awesome sucking and fucking surrounded by 3 stiff male members. There’s anal and dp’s and lots of p2m, and other stuff that two girls can do with each other while getting banged. There’s some peeing and gloryhole stuff like that, so if you are ever curious about a woman shooting urine from her vag, or sucking a dick from behind a hole in a wall, go to town. I’m not thrilled with this as I have seen harder stuff from John Thomson, which makes these look like tentative experiments, by comparison.

There’s more sucking and fucking in this scene called, Cockwork Ballet. This scene is kind of a frenzied dance which leads into a couple of group sex scenes. I don’t know, but the anal and groping and swings are hot, but I’ve seen hotter and more raw. The stuff like anals, and blowjobs are great examples of the act, but I didn’t care for the gratuitous references to BDSM. Maybe I’m just particular that way, but the movie didn’t turn my crank, the way it might for others who find BDSM a turn on. I’d give it 3 kleenexes for going there and letting me in, but I just had to leave early. I had a pressing engagement with another rough sex flick, like Harmony’s Slam it in Tight.

ANALOGY
Tough and sleazy, this 'un delivers the greasy goods.

SEXY STARTERS
The girls are tired looking and stuck in their over-rogued 1980s glamour looks. They're just a bunch of scared, ugly barmaids trying to get ...

SWANK XXX 7
The girls are innocent and depraved at the same time, but minus the Cali-porn star attitude. The sex is very hot in this movie. ...

MIA SMILES AKA FILTHY WHORE
If your still curious, rent it.

BACK SEAT BANGERS 9
.. although we would definitely be watching if we drove by this back seat banger mobile.