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Finally returned from a much-needed scholastic/logistic hiatus, Buff Punzlif is back in the saddle, riding as usual for the world-famous Meat Ranch. Small Sluts, Nice Butts 3 was first in a growing stack of back-logged smut, so the man (me, not Bas Rutten) popped it in looking to pop one out, as it were.

Needlessly directed by Jimmy D, the picture gets off to an already stagnant and formulaic start. True, pornography can be very one-dimensional for some, but I want more than five “black-dropped” scenes of table fucking.

Actually, scratch that – I want less. With a mere handful of skanks to choose from, I want each girl in a different setting with a different flair for the love of cock, for the love of God!

Established gripes aside, the next best option is to gripe some more. When you open the movie, its generic DVD case gives way to an even more generic menu setup and list of extras. Each scene is commonly split into four parts: an “artistic” intro where the model strips, an oral sexcapade, a vaginal escapade, and the man’s hard-earned blastoff. You get only one bonus scene, and it’s nothing more than a cheesy, behind-the-scenes afterthought (think “babe alert!” – the narrator sure did). In fact, the only clever thing on tap is the “melting” effect used for gallery transitions. Too bad nobody watches those.

In an effort to be fair, however, I will cite some positives. Firstly and foremostly (though also lastly), the girls are sugar and spice and everything hot. Newcomer Gigi – on her first of what are sure to be many covers – takes top honors for looks and talent; and Asian Daisy spreads the “slut” around with her “CAUTION: Slippery When Wet” mons pubis tattoo. The remaining members of the female cast are sufficient and moderately attractive, as well. The product’s shortcomings are NOT knocks against the actresses by any means.

In review of this review, Small Sluts, Nice Butts 3 is less than it should have been, and far less than what it could have been. Sexy babes can compensate for most things porno, but a single recycled set and lackluster post-production are entirely inexcusable for something otherwise so decent. Four-star ladies in covalent conjugations with two-star production and zero-star commercial care make for a bit of a big letdown.

You’d think a film put out by a company called Anarchy would have a little more variety than none whatsoever…

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